


need to breathe, need to break in my mind

by thedeconstructionist



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, WandaVision (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drinking, F/F, Internalized Homophobia, Intrusive Thoughts, OCD, Platonic Female/Male Relationships, Steve and Reader but not really, comp het, self hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:54:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29916501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedeconstructionist/pseuds/thedeconstructionist
Summary: You are in love with Wanda Maximoff. But there are two problems, one, you don’t know how she feels about you, and two, you experience intense internalized homophobia and comp het thoughts. So when Steve Rodgers asks you out, you decide to give him a shot, much to Wanda’s distress.begins Steve/reader heavy (but it’s not at all romantic) that peters out pretty quickly. Happy Ending guarantee.WARNING:  the reader character experiences intrusive comp het thoughts including images. Reader character struggles with OCD and internalized homophobia. There is strong triggering language especially later on.
Relationships: Wanda Maximoff/Reader
Comments: 6
Kudos: 58





	1. He asks you

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this to exorcise my own intrusive thoughts.

Wanda looks beautiful tonight, relaxed in her fuzzy sweatpants and her loose tank top. It is nearly bedtime. You think it’s nice that she feels comfortable enough to wear her PJs in the common room. She used to be twitchy around everyone, not getting close, not making friends. Tonight though, she sits next to Bruce on the couch and attempts to listen politely to the science of a new invention he’s talking over with Tony. You glance over at her every now and again and she catches your eye and smiles. She has a breathtaking smile, it hits you like a sunbeam to your chest whenever she shines it on you. 

All night you've been feeling another pair of eyes on you, Steve's. As soon as you first feel him look over at you, you sense a flood of thoughts pouring into your brain, as though a valve was closed off and his gaze made it burst wide open.

_give him a shot. he looks alright, maybe you can stomach it, maybe he can turn you. maybe him annoying you yesterday by talking down to you is like those romantic comedy, hate-to-love things. he's a decent guy. sure he seems to underestimate you but maybe that's good, maybe the girl isn't meant to do things for herself, maybe you should default to him and whatever he wants. maybe he is who God wants for you, a good guy to keep you in line..._  


The thoughts are so loud and so fast, you feel like you are drowning in them. You can't even be present when Wanda talks to you in the kitchen when you both go get more snacks. Usually, this would be the best part of your day, the moment or moments that you'd relive in the minutes or hours before you fall asleep. 

"So.." She says leaning against the counter, while you've got your head in the fridge trying to locate some cheese to slice. "Who do you think is smarter?" _Ooh_ , you love the way her accent sounds when she says the word _smarter_. "Tony or Bruce?" When you pull your head out of the fridge to look at her, she's biting her lip and raising her eyebrows. "I think ..Bruce," She says answering her own question. "Because emotional intelligence is better than a big ego." 

You laugh then. It took a lot for Wanda to forgive Tony, so it was mostly in good fun. She was right, he did let his head expand a little far. He and Steve both seemed to think they knew what was best for the whole group and it was annoying. You knew Wanda thought so too. 

"I don't care who's smarter." You answer, she suppresses a grin. "What about who is more powerful?" 

"Between those two?" She asks you love how low and guttural her voice sounds. 

"Nah, the whole group." 

She drags her eyes over you starting at your feet before meeting your eyes. You know she can't be about to say that it's you. There is no way you'd be the most powerful Avenger you considered yourself barely C league. Instead, she asks, "Who do you think?" 

You smirk and it's your turn to check her out. When you reach her eyes again, there is something more than humor in those green irises, curiosity, a dare maybe? You can't quite tell. "It's obviously you." You say it, as casually as possible and thankfully you have the presence of mind to enjoy and catalog the blush that reaches her cheeks at your words. 

And that's the moment when Steve walks in. He doesn't seem like his usual confident self, his shoulders are curved inward just a little bit and his head, which is usually angled straight and forward, is instead dipped slightly. 

"Y/N?" He asks and even his voice sounds less than sure. 

You share one last look at Wanda, tracing over the features on her face before you turn to Steve. "Yeah?" 

"Could I talk you...alone?" He asks. 

"Uh...sure." You say and you let him lead you out onto the balcony. You don't see Wanda standing in the kitchen, watching you walk out with him. 

"So..." He starts his hands' fists at his sides. He is trying to catch your eyes, but you are looking out at the skyline. It's an incredible view, and you aren't sure you'll ever get used to it, all those colorful lights, the sounds of traffic and music, all those people living their lives, it's a lot. When it finally clicks that he's waiting for you to make eye contact you turn to him. "I wanted to ask.." He begins, watching your face carefully. 

You take a breath, knowing there is only one thing he could be trying to ask you. 

He scratches the back of his neck. "Would you...like to go out with me tomorrow night?" 

Immediately you want to say _no_ , but following that is the doubt. The persistent idea that you should try it out, is loud and distracting. _being straight is right_ the doubt says. It also starts producing images, flashes of you and him together. _you are here at the Avengers compound, against the door to your room he presses against you, you can feel his bulge against you, he backs away only to rips his shirt off._ You can't tell if you enjoy this image or not, but the longer it stays in your mind the more you think you might. He doesn't have a bad face it's a good jaw and he has pretty blue eyes. He reminds you of a nice statue. 

"Okay." You say it so quietly and feel what only a deluded person would call butterflies in your chest and bile rising in your throat. As a response that image gets stronger, it repeats in a loop and you become less sure what you really feel, what, or who you really want. 

Steve smiles and you make a plan. A tiny part of you hidden deep in your soul is screaming. You can't hear it, doubt and self-hatred are so much louder and the image burns. 

Those images were so loud that, Wanda couldn't help but see them. She finished an entire bottle of Vodka all by herself that night. 


	2. the date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve is a little out of character.

(The Next Day)

You can't find Wanda anywhere. Seeing her is usually the best part of your day. Instead, the day is filled with catching Steve smiling shyly at you and everyone else (who isn't Wanda) nudging, whispering, and winking at each other when they see it. 

It makes you feel squirrelly and occasionally causes you to shudder. _maybe this is what it feels like to get romantic attention,_ the terrible voice suggests. 

Training is a nice distraction. But Wanda doesn't go to training either. When you ask Natasha where she is, she shrugs and says something vague about Wanda needing to sort through something. That could be anything, she could be sorting through her laundry, her grief over her brother, a painful breakup, or even a fatal diagnosis that she can tell anyone else about. 

"I'm going to check on her." You tell Nat after training, but she swiftly grabs your arm, her grip is strong and it pinches. 

"Don't." Her warning is clear and you don't dare disobey it. Though you feel pulled toward Wanda's room, you can see in Natasha's eyes that she is serious and you trust her. 

"Alright," You agree. "but she's okay?"

Nat's lips form a tight smile. "She will be." She seems less certain about this, but you let it go. You know not to push for information from Nat. 

You nod. 

"Enjoy your date tonight!" She says and you head off to the showers. 

As you massage your scalp with your favorite smelling shampoo you think over what Nat told you. It didn't make you any less worried, in fact promising not to go talk to Wanda made you feel even worse, so did the last thing Natasha said to you. You know she meant it like 'good luck' but it sunk in like pressure, and it made the thoughts worse. 

_you need to do better, see him there shirtless, enjoy it, make yourself enjoy it, see it in your mind._

So you do imagine it and you try to imagine enjoying it, but it still feels wrong, and anytime you attempt to push the intrusive image further, you can't. It causes your arm muscles to clench and bile to rise again. 

But the thoughts continue anyway. 

_you need to try. being gay isn't real. it's not a real sexuality. you are just a broken heterosexual_

You finish your shower and pick out an outfit to wear. You just grab a random dress in your closet, barely putting any thought into it at all, it fits you and it looks fine, that's all that matters. You put on a little lipstick, a touch of eyeliner, and eyeshadow and call yourself, good enough. For him anyway or this date rather, you don't know. you feel obligated to do and it turns out obligation isn't as great a motivator as you thought it was. 

He comes by your room around eight. You've been ready for over thirty minutes. You honestly thought it would take you longer. Sitting in that dress for that long, anticipating, dreading, and torturing yourself until he knocked; it wasn't great. 

"Hey." He says leaning against the doorway, you think it's meant to be charming and you force yourself to think of it that way. 

"Hey," You say back politely. "ready to go?"

He offers you his arm. "Yes Y/N, you look beautiful tonight by the way." 

You don't blush, though you try to force one. "Thank you. " You say. "You look handsome." He does, he is wearing a blue suit not unlike his uniform with a white shirt and red tie. At least he didn't pick you up in a sweatshirt. He did put in the effort.

You walk to the restaurant as it is not that far away. It's a little chilly and he gives you his suit coat, which is nice. On the way, you chat a little bit about the group, though you try to avoid the topic of Wanda. It seems wrong to you to bring her up right now. It's pleasant talking to him, he can be fun to talk to when he isn't insisting that he does things for you that you are capable of and want to do for yourself. 

When you arrive, you notice that the restaurant is small and sparsely populated, but Steve assures you the food is very good. It has a brick facade and a nice little overhand with lights dangling from it. It's quaint but not in a bad way and it's traditional like him. 

When you are led to your table he pulls out your chair for you. When it's time to order, he orders the drinks but he does let you order your own meal 

"So.." He starts seeming a little nervous.

"So..." You echo, not at all sure what to talk about. 

"You really are a classic girl, Y/N." He says. It sounds like a nice compliment until he continues. "Classic beauty and a classic attitude."

"What do you mean by that?" You ask, taking a sip of the red wine he selected, you aren't sure if it's to your tastes. 

"I appreciate Natasha and Rwanda fine, but I like a girl a little more like you, you fight well but you're still feminine. Like Peggy." You aren't actually sure what he is talking about, you don't consider yourself any more or less feminine than any of the girls and can't figure out what he is getting this from. 

You try to stop your eyes from bulging out, and cough to give yourself time to process. "Are you saying that Wanda and Nat aren't feminine?"

He immediately shakes his head. "No, they are feminine...it's just-" He stops and smiles uneasily at you. "I'm not explaining myself well, am I?"

"No." You agree, but attempt to sound reassuring or forgiving. 

"I guess, I mean in the way that girls were in my time." His clarification doesn't shed any light on it for you at all. You have no idea how he got that impression of you, you can't think of a single thing you might have done to give him the idea that you were like a 1940s girl. You really try not to think of it as an insult and remember why he is the perfect man to turn you, for this exact reason; he is old-fashioned. Though you don't love that he keeps referring to you as a girl. You try focusing on how blue his eyes are, how cut his jaw is, and attempt to be the kind of girl that's attracted to his brand of masculinity. 

_it's right and good. men belong with women. women belong with men. that's the way it should be._

And then, right in the middle of the voice trying to convince you, trying to force you to be straight, you suddenly remember; Wanda's blush when you told her she was the most powerful Avenger and a smile naturally graces your face. You didn't have to force it, obsessively think about it, or will it into being. It happens all on its own. 

Steve smiles back at you assuming the smile meant you understood him. "It's just so nice to be with a girl who reminds me of home." He says and you tell yourself that it's sweet of him to say and take another sip of the God awful wine he chose. 

Finally, your food arrives. 

He ordered an 'all American burger'. You ordered the item on the menu that needed the most utensils. 

The two of you chew for a little while until you say. "How is your burger?" 

"It's great, do you wanna try a bite?" He holds it out to you and you contemplate what taking a bite would entail, facing you in the side of the burger he already took a bite out of, he expects you to eat from the same side he has, to share saliva. _You should, this is cute first date behavior_

You've been staring at his burger for entirely too long when you finally answer. "Oh, uh, no thanks. I'm pretty happy with my meal. In fact, I'm stuffed." You say patting your stomach for good measure. You've eaten exactly three bites. 

He looks at the plate then you and back to the plate. "You didn't eat very much of it. " He says sounding a little disappointed, maybe even rejected. 

"First date jitters." Is your explanation and you giggle. _good girl_ the voice says, while a quieter one wishes you would end this charade. 

He nods looking a little bit skeptical, but you hope his ego is big enough to cushion the lie. 

He finishes his burger quickly and you are a little bit worried about what that means. 

He declines the offer from the waiter of dessert for the pair of you. It's for the best really. He pays and offers you his arm and walks you home; well the home you share. 

You don't look forward to what might happen when the two of you get to your door. 

He's smiling and slips his arm down between you and intertwines your fingers, you start to pull away before the voice starts again. 

_come on, these are the things you've got to get used to. this is what will change you. fix you._

His hands are big and rough and it feels like holding hands with your father. It reminds you of being a little girl, whether that's good or bad.

_try to enjoy this. it's good his hands are bigger which means he's the man. you like this. you like this. you have to like this. he is hot. you find men hot. you definitely want this. you want this. you want this._

When the two of you arrive at your door, he is still holding your hand. He holds it up to his lips and kisses it. His lips are slobbery. 

He isn't going to kiss you on the lips tonight. The realization feels like four large bricks are lifted off of your shoulders and you sigh. You hope he interprets it as enjoying the hand kiss. 

You don't realize that Wanda waited up for the two of you. She was slouching on the couch in the common room so you couldn't see her. She felt the relief in you when he only kissed your hand. When you close the door to your room and Steve leaves for his, She squashes down the tingle of hope that flutters through her with a few sips from a new bottle of Vodka.


	3. Confrontation

When you first open your eyes and reach for your phone you see that there is a text from Steve. Your thumb hovers over the screen, unsure if you want to read it before you've really woken up. Ultimately you decide to open it, you suck in a deep breath and click. 

Steve: Hey Y/N, I had a really good time last night. I'd really like to take you out again. 

You read it a few times. You didn't know this, but you were hoping he had lost interest. You were also wondering why he didn't wait until he saw you to ask, when another two text messages come in. Another one from Steve and one from Natasha. 

Steve: I just realized a text is not a romantic way to ask someone out is it? I just couldn't wait to ask you again. I hope you don't mind. I'll get you some flowers to make up for it. What kind is your favorite? 

bad bitch bff: How did the date go? 

You: fine. 

bad bitch bff: uh oh. 

You: I mean it was good. The meal was good. 

bad bitch bff: he told me you barely ate. 

You: first date jitters. 

bad bitch bff: sure tell yourself that.

bad bitch bff: hey come have breakfast, everyone is at the table. 

You: everyone? 

bad bitch bff: Yes, Steve is here. Seriously did something happen? Something bad? Something...good?

You: that wasn't who I was asking about. 

bad bitch bff: then who?

You: I'll be at breakfast in three minutes. 

bad bitch bff: ha, I'll time you. 

It takes you less than three minutes. It's not that you don't care about your appearance. You couldn't admit it to yourself there was really only one person you wanted to impress and you had a feeling they weren't included in the everyone that Nat mentioned. There was also the quieter part of you that was maybe attempting to sabotage this romance you conjured up. 

You are decently presentable when you grace the rest of the group at the community table for breakfast. At first, you are staring at your feet and you shuffle into the nearest chair. 

When you finally look up, you almost fall out of that chair. You are sitting next to Wanda and Steve is sitting across from you, with an empty chair next to him and big sad puppy dog eyes boring into you. You almost get up, but you feel the heat Wanda is giving off next to you and your heart begins to race.

Cliff is on the other side of you just casually eating his breakfast. Bucky for his part is putting on a pretty good protective best friend stance. Natasha seems like she's holding back some giggles. Bruce is reading and talking over what he reads with Tony and Sam. Only the four of you (maybe the five you haven't had the courage to look at Wanda again since you sat down) seem aware that any drama is occurring. 

"Good Morning," You say as if nothing is amiss, and begin to eat your breakfast. 

You get a few bites in before the questions start. 

"So..how was the date?" Bucky asks, he still seems stern, it feels as though he might be willing to soften depending on your answer. Steve looks at you again and quirks his lips into a smile. 

Tony looks up from the papers he, Bruce, and Sam are reading. "Yeah what happened? Because when Cap showed up at the table this morning, I swear he was glowing like he was pregnant or something. Did you rock his world Y/N?" He winks and you suppress a groan. 

"Would you guys lay off of her?" Natasha requests meanwhile you can hear the click of her thumbs on her phone keyboard and in two seconds you get a notification on your phone. 

bad bitch bff: You are going to tell me what really happened though right? 

You look over at Tony. "It was nice." You say to him. Then you attempt to refocus on your food. 

"We're going to need more than that...come on tell us about that first kiss." Tony says. 

Steve starts to say "We didn-"

In your peripheral you see the curling and twisting of fingers. The thrill of cackling magic hits the air. A red energy ball just hovers in Wanda's hand. Then her voice low, husky, and deadly says. "Mind your own business Stark."

Tony's eyebrows rise to his hairline. "What's got you all twisted up, Wanda?" He over exaggerates his exasperated expression. "We're just teasing them. It's cute really, they make a great couple don't you think?"

You feel her tense up, so you reach over and place your hand as warning and comfort on her leg. Her eyes snap to you, they are glowing red. You feel buzzing heat all over, you blink quickly and glance at Steve. The thoughts come pouring back. 

_You dirty sinner. Women can't love women. Women can't feel...that about other women. It's not right. It's not right. You and Steve would be cute. Picture it. Picture being with Steve. Look away from Wanda._

But you don't, you can't. You are entranced by her. 

Her eyes soften for a moment as she looks at you. Then she gets up leaves the table and walks off. Everyone at the table is taken aback and you follow her. You aren't sure what you are thinking. You remember what you promised Natasha, but Wanda didn't seem okay, you need her to be okay. 

You don't expect it when Steve gets up too. 

"Y/N?" He says. "Did I do something?" 

You can't deal with him right now. You shrug him off and follow Wanda to the hallway where the elevator and stairs are. She turns to get to the staircase. 

You slam the door open in your effort to get to her. She's not running anymore, just sitting on the steps, looking ahead at the blank wall. She doesn't acknowledge your presence. 

You sit next to her. You sit in silence for a few long seconds. 

"You didn't finish eating." You say softly. 

"Neither did you. Please leave me alone." She says and you can tell she's still tense though her eyes are back to their usual color. 

"I missed you at training yesterday."

"I'm surprised you noticed anyone but Steve." Her voice is venomous. You think you know what this is about, but you are mistaken. 

"Nat asked me not to go to you." You say. 

"What?"

"I know you were going through something yesterday and I should have been there for you. I need you to know that no one I date is going to come between you and me. I don't know if she was trying to be nice and let me focus on the date, but she was wrong to do that. You're too important." Your words are laced with more sincerity than you are able to consciously feel, it scares you. 

She laughs, it rings through the stairwell echoing. It's a gorgeous sound. 

"You really are something else Y/N."

"What do you mean?" You ask. 

She just smiles and finally looks at you. She takes both your hands in hers and runs her right thumb down your palm. 

"What do you want?"

You are tongue-tied. The way she's looking at you is making your knees weak. It's a good thing you are already sitting down. Why is she asking you that? Why is she looking at you with that tenderness and _heat?_

"I want you to be alright. I want you to tell me what's going on so that I can help. Something is going on Wanda, I want to help. I thought we were friends." 

"That's sweet, but it's not what I meant."

You harden your eyes and fix her with an unwavering stare. "I would move heaven and earth for you, Wanda." 

Surprise flashes across her face. "What about Steve?" she asks and it's another question you don't fully understand.

"No matter who I date.." you begin to repeat. "Nothing is going to keep me from my friend when she needs me."

Her lips twitch. You are hopeful that you might finally be getting through to her and she'll let you help. "Ah..." She says but her voice has lost its energy, its life. She squeezes your hands one more time before releasing them and rising. She heads to the door but stops before passing through it. You are frozen on those stairs, not sure at all what's happening, what this conversation even was. 

"Please be okay." You say. 

She sighs deeply causing her shoulders to drop. "I'm fine." She says into the door. 

You are shaking. "Don't lie to me." 

"Your thoughts are a mess Y/N, they are giving me whiplash." Her tone is clipped and her words sting. 

She is in pain because of you. She's avoiding you because you can't control yourself. Your vision is suddenly blurry. Great, you are starting to cry. 

"I'm so sorry. "

She sighs again. "Figure out what you want." 

"I don't know what you mean."

"You know where to find me when you do. In the meantime I need space." She pushes through the door and the damn is broken, you let your tears fall freely. 

Your phone bings again. 

bad bitch bff: hey you good?

You: I have no idea what just happened. 

bad bitch bff: hang on, I'm coming to you. 

You: No. I'll be out in a minute. 

You dry your eyes, take a deep breath and exit the stairwell. You walk straight to your room and you don't look back. Natasha follows you. You sit on the edge of the bed and look up at her as she comes in. 

"Okay what the hell is going on? What was that?" She asks closing your door with her foot. You are grateful for that because it was looking as though the others were getting a little too curious. Before the door clicked shut, Tony was standing on his tippy toes to get a better look and everyone's eyes were on you. 

"I really don't know." You say and throw yourself back onto the bed. Natasha steps further into your room and sits down on the edge of it next to you. 

"Well, how about we start with the date." She asks patting your knee. 

"I'm...trying."

"You're trying what? To tell me about it? You'll have to try harder than that."

"No. I'm trying to be good." 

"Whatever that means." She says and rolls her eyes. "Tell me honestly did you like the date with Steve or no?"

"That's a tough question."

"Of all the questions I have for you that's the simplest one. Listen, we can't have three avengers out of sorts. Wanda is out of commission. Steve will be if you don't explain your lack of enthusiasm and then there is you. You gotta figure this out, babe."

You nod. "Wanda said something similar."

"She's got a good head on her shoulders."

"Nat.." You feel as though you are about to give too much away. You feel too vulnerable so you focus on anything else you can talk about. "What do you mean Wanda is out of commission? I thought she just needed space from me. She should be fine now right?"

"Not quite."

"I'm so..lost." You say. You are pretty sure she can tell that you don't just mean this conversation. You hope that what you are saying is just enough for her to help you without fully understanding what you need. "I'm just trying to be good. But I'm not sure what that is."

"Just a shot in the dark here...but does trying to be good have anything to do with dating Steve?" After asking this she lays down next to you. 

Damnit. You glace at her, bite your lip, and nod. 

She inhales through her nose. It makes a hissing sound. "And being bad would be what?"

You stare back at the ceiling again. "Steve is a nice guy."

"Yes. He is." Her tone is measured and careful.

"And he has a pretty nice smile and anyone would be lucky to have him. So what's wrong with me?"

"I'm not sure what you are getting at. If he's not your type that doesn't mean there is something wrong with you." She has no idea how strange those words sound to you. You need to hear them, but they say the first time you hear a new idea your brain automatically rejects it. 

"But he's the all-American boy Nat..and if I don't like him."

"Oh." She says and panic settles into your chest like boiling water bubbles. You didn't mean to reveal that much and by that 'oh' you are pretty sure that gave everything away. 

Just then there was a knock on the door. 

"Come in!" You say. Anything would be better than facing rejection from your best friend, or pity. Pity would be worse, someone you respect who you think respects you seeing you as a weak woman unable to resist temptation would be awful. 

It's Steve. He ducks his head as he enters. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"

You nod and Natasha leaves, but not before giving you a pointed look. You shrink under it, but when you glance up at Steve, you plaster on a smile.

"I'm sorry for not answering your texts." You say. "Wanda is going through something and I've been worried about her." You lie for him or maybe this particular lie is more for yourself. 

"Oh!" He grins widely. It feels pretty good to make him happy. It doesn't expand your chest with soft warmth, but it's still nice. You ignore a small still voice that tells you it feels nice to make anyone smile, but that there is a difference in degrees. Any small hint, that silencing the noise by giving it what it wants isn't working, you ignore.

_Good says the noise. You like his smile. This is working. Eventually, more will happen. You think he is pleasant to look at that's the same thing as being sexually attracted to him, just be straight you aren't worth anything you fix this. Why are you so weak?_

"Does that mean, you'll go out with me again?" He asks. You could see his eyes glinting hopefully. He was really a gentle soul, if not irritatingly old fashioned sometimes. 

No part of you wanted to lead him on but your truth was twisted in your mind and you didn't know it. "Yes, I would love to go out with you again. " You say and you still feel the bile in your throat but it's diluted now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, I was able to salvage the file from my broken writing tool. I'm going to finish this fic. I still feel weird about Wanda's characterization in the MCU. The biggest problem I see is having a character that was previously written to be Romani and Jewish volunteer for a Nazi organization, not only a terrible writing decision but also unnecessary.


	4. The illusion crumbles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reader character attempts to go as far with Steve as she can stomach in the beginning of this chapter. I made it brief on purpose but it might be uncomfortable to read anyway. I had to pause several times while writing it. Reader has some intense self-hating thoughts, but she gets some help for those later on. Only one or two chapters left to go. 
> 
> моя дорогая - my darling

It takes three more dates before he gives you a look. 

Until then you've actually been enjoying yourself, except for the bombardment of thoughts constantly. He could be funny and sweet. It was nice to hang out with him. 

But now he was looking at you like that. 

Like he wants you. You are outside your door again, after a perfectly fine date. He keeps glancing at your lips. He puts his arm on the door above your head and leans forward. You force yourself not to duck away. 

_Good. This is good. The kiss of a real man. It's finally going to happen. It will change you. You'll see. Your heterosexuality was just hiding. He is going to bring it out of you._

As he is leaning in, you find yourself just wanting him to get it over with, but he leans in, it seems as slowly as is physically possible. Perhaps he is trying to give you time to back out of it. A chance that your heart desperately wants you to take. 

It happens. A light brushing of the lips and that's all you feel. It's still too wet. But nothing else happens. You don't feel warm or gooey. It just is what it is. 

He pulls back beaming at you. You smile back, though you can't be sure how convincing it is. 

_You're being stubborn, you just aren't letting him in. You aren't letting yourself feel it. You've got to try harder, kiss him again._

Though the bile rises in your throat and your chest constricts, you lean into him again. This time you push for more. Your stomach rolls like a thrashing storm on the sea as you open your mouth to him. You squeeze your eyes shut and try to push through it. His tongue feels thick and large to you. It pushes your's down, dominates it. You feel like your spirit can't breathe. You grab the back of his neck and roughly pull him to you. You attack his mouth now.

_You must be really damaged. He is the perfect man. Mostly Humble, chivalrous, and good-hearted. What is wrong with you? You must be so damaged that you need more. You have to try harder._

You pull back and let him kiss your jaw and your neck. You swallow a large lump in your throat. He comes back up to your lips and grinds against your hips. You feel it. His member pressing against his jeans (you went with casual dress, for this particular date.) You raise your hips to meet it and he moans at the contact. 

You can't do it. You start to push back just as he does. 

"It's too soon." He says and you nod. "I don't want to rush things." He adds. 

"I don't want this at all." You say, the words spill out of your mouth before your brain has time to push them down. They were always just beneath the surface, buried under the pain and self-hatred, which come swarming back as soon as you see his face fall. 

_You failed. You selfish bitch. You couldn't just be what you were supposed to be, could you? How could you give up that easily and look at what you've done you've broken his heart._

When he speaks, it's with stiffness, he is trying to look tough, probably more for himself than for you. "Alright. If I did something wrong, said something. I apologize." He screws up his face in order to say what's next. Your heart aches hurting him and it makes you feel worse and worse. "I'll see you around, Y/N." He ducks his head then and leaves you there against your own door.

You were holding your breath but now you are panting. Your heart feels too fast like the relentless clicking of a pen in a silent classroom, it thunders in your ears. You can't hear yourself think, that might be a blessing. The corners of your vision begin to darken. Your head feels heavy, so very heavy. Everything goes black and before total unconsciousness, you feel yourself slid down the door and fall into a slump on the floor. You can't move, you can't think and your head is so heavy. 

\----

Your head is spinning and still heavy. You feel the familiar cushion of your pillow underneath your head now, you are in your bed. A gentle light streams through your eyelids. You can't fully open them. You hear the gentle tones of two people talking, two of your favorite people. One who has been frustrated with you though you haven't known why and the other who you hadn't seen or heard from in over two weeks. For a few moments, you cannot make out what they are saying, but the sweet soft and low tones of her accent cause your chest to feel light. Then the guilt comes. 

_You don't deserve to feel comforted or light in her presence. You hurt her with the noise in your brain...you-_

Something stops the thought. Her tender hand caressing your forehead. "None of that now, quiet your head моя дорогая." Your head feels pleasantly fuzzy like being buzzed. When you try, you can't pin down a single thought, just peace. You surrender to it and listen to their conversation. 

"I told you." It's Nat's voice, she's whispering and in any other circumstance, you probably wouldn't have been able to hear her. There is something in the quietness of your mind that lets you focus better than ever. 

"Hmm." Wanda hums. "I don't want to get my hopes up or influence her." 

You can practically hear Natasha roll her eyes. "You have literally heard her thoughts. What do they sound like to you?"

"Confused." Wanda answers and you begin to drift off again. 

\-------

The next time you wake up, there is a cold cup of tea on your bedside table and Wanda is asleep in the armchair in the corner by the window. It's dark outside. You have no idea how long you've been asleep. Your head isn't fuzzy or heavy anymore and you can hear your thoughts again. 

You let yourself look at her, really take her in. There are a few flyaway strands of hair over her face. Her closed eyes look relaxed and her lips are parted slightly with every puff of air that she exhales a hair or two tickle her face and her nose scrunches up. She's so beautiful and you feel so lucky to witness her like this. 

_She's gone through too much, and you've put her through even more._

She's wearing dark wash jeans and you can't imagine it's too comfortable to be sleeping in them in that chair. She's also wearing a hoodie that's bunched up around her hips.

You get up slowly. Your legs feel stiff and you stumble walking over to her. 

Her eyes pop open, just as you place your hands on the armrests to steady yourself. She gasps. 

"Hi.." You say, it barely comes out, your throat is so dry. You push against the armrests in order to straighten yourself up, but you end up falling forward instead. She stops you with a hand to your chest, it isn't forceful and you realize she's using magic so that she doesn't hurt you. That realization feels gooey, and melty so warm and you sink into it and into her eyes. "Sorry...I'm a little...unsteady." You smile lazily at her and she smiles back. Despite her hand on your chest, lightly pushing you back with her red energy, something stronger pulls you forward. It's been too long since you've seen her and you cannot remember when you've been this close. You just want to be closer, to feel her, to be in her orbit. It's all you've ever wanted. Her lips are so close, they're chapped a little bit but they've never looked more enticing. Her eyes flicker down to your lips for the briefest of seconds and hope swells within you. You study her eyes, they don't seem disgusted or afraid. You lean forward just a little. She glances at your lips again. You lick yours, inhale the soft air that comes out of her lips and-

You find yourself standing up straight. Her magic pushed you up. Your face is immediately hot, it almost feels like a fever or like you could fry an egg on it. It's so hot. It's hot in this room, in your clothes. You have the sudden desire to run but you know your legs won't let you. 

"Y/N..." She says, sitting up straight. She's calm, her head is tilted but curiously not dangerously. 

You shake your head and back away, stumbling a little, you reach out your hands but there is nothing to steady you. You trip on your own feet but quickly right yourself. "Sor-sorry. I..you looked uncomfortable, I wanted to..I " You slowly breathe out and stare at a spot on the carpet. When you speak again you take your time and ease into your next phrase. "You looked uncomfortable. I just wanted to wake you up, let you know you could return to your room."

"mm." She hums. "How are you feeling?" 

"Embarrassed.. ashamed...over-"

She raises a delicate hand stopping you. "I meant, physically. " 

You nod. "Oh." You take a moment to assess yourself. "Weak...groggy...heavy."

She nods back at you and runs a hand through her disheveled locks. "You should go back to bed." She insists. She gets up and walks toward you steadily. She gently places her hands on your shoulders, turns you around, and guides you back to bed. "I'll go heat up your tea." She says, and after grabbing the cup she exits your room. 

You stare up at your ceiling. Cursing yourself for your behavior, your forwardness. 

_You just broke up with Steve. And you aren't a man. She deserves someone who can properly protect her. Someone who fits with her physically. She's not yours and will never be yours. Her soft lips are for someone with rough large hands._

She returns to place the reheated cup back on the table. "Try to sleep, Stark wants to talk to you in the morning." 

You watch her leave the room, watch the bounce of her hair and sway of her hips, you long for her. 

\-----

Light streams through your window. The teacup sits empty though you don't remember drinking it. You remember breaking up with Steve and the heartbreak on his face, the guilt, shame, and somehow relief through it all. You remember seeing Wanda sleeping in your armchair, almost kissing her, the glimmer of hope and the crushing disappointment and humiliation when she stopped you.

You sigh, and carefully (because you are still sore) get dressed, in a pair of comfortable sweatpants and a heavy sweatshirt you don't bother with a bra and gingerly walk out of your room to the community table. 

It's empty except for Tony reading the local newspaper and chewing on a piece of toast. He looks up when you walk in and gestures for you to take a seat.

You sit. He fixes you with a regarding stare. 

"So." He says abruptly folding his newspaper and throwing down his piece of toast. "Its come to my attention from our little mind reader th-"

"Please don't call her that." You say. 

"Fine..." He shifts in his chair. "Wanda informed me that you might need some additional help that the team cannot provide for you." 

You frown. "What do you mean?" You ask. 

He shifts again. "Do you want anything by the way coffee? Toast?" You shake your head, too nervous to eat. "Well, she didn't give me any specifics but since I provide most of the tech and supplies to the compound she came to me."

"Okay." 

"She says your thoughts are erratic and that they are..for lack of a better word distracting you." He says waving his hands about. He seems to do that when he explains something. 

"Oh."

He must see the discomfort on your face because he says, "I'm glad she told me. We need our team in excellent condition. ...Therefore, I've arranged for a therapist to come to see you." 

You swallow. "A therapist?" 

"Yes and I'm not giving you a choice in the matter. We need to be able to rely on you. I'm afraid there is no negotiating with me on this." 

You nod. "Okay." 

He pauses, stunned. "Okay?"

"You said I don't have a choice right?"

"That's right."

"Then..okay."


End file.
